


Cold

by Numanum



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst and Humor, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Raphael, M/M, Non-Consensual Blood Drinking, Not Canon Compliant, Rape/Non-con Elements, Raphael Santiago-centric, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Sharing a Bed, raphael santiago needs a hug, simon gives it to him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-05-20 09:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19373623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Numanum/pseuds/Numanum
Summary: “I can’t say no. Not to her,” he admits quietly and against his better judgment, hoping that they would just drop it. Simon latches on, “but you’ve never said yes,” he stresses, looking determined. Magnus looks vaguely sick, and the shadowhunters look angry. Raphael hopes that they decide to just stab him. Anything to get him out of this conversation. “She- she rapes you,” Simon continues quietly, saying the world like it’s the worst thing in the world. Any maybe it is, but- “I never say no,” Raphael replies, turning his eyes away from them.(In which Simon realizes exactly what Camille's been doing to Raphael and he tells Magnus.)





	Cold

Raphael is soft in all the worst ways possible. He looks fifteen; young and vulnerable. He looks _helpless._

 

And in some cases, he is.

 

It takes a _week_ of Raphael staying at the hotel DuMort for Camille to show her face, seemingly attracted to the fresh blood in the water like a shark, but in so hurry. The appreciative way she stares at him, the way his name falls from her painted lips in a seductive purr, unnerves him. By human years, he _just_ turned sixteen; he’s been a vampire for a handful of months, and those months had been spent with Magnus Bane and Ragnor Fell. Figuring it to be a vampire thing, he shrugs off her looks, brushes off her wandering hands, and tries to get accustomed to his new life as a vampire, and as a damned soul.

 

Most nights he still wakes up screaming, the feeling of dirt engulfing him never really going away. Some nights, he dreams of sunlight, of Magnus Bane and Ragnor Fell and his _family_. And sometimes he dreams of the time his father hit him, playing on repeat in the back of his mind long after he’s woken up and gotten out of bed for the night. Most days he stays in his room, but occasionally, he goes outside and takes long walks, going far, _far_ away from the hotel and Camille’s wandering hands and sultry voice.

 

The distance is never enough, never far enough away from everything. It’s not like he can go very far in any direction; apparently none of the downworlders are on good terms. After he almost gets his throat ripped out by wolves and arrested by Shadowhunters, he stops going so far out, which turns into not going out so much, and then he doesn’t go out at all.

 

He misses it, but the risk isn’t worth taking.

 

Camille seems to have noticed his increased presence, and she looks pleased by it, often sending him looks that he wants nothing more than to curl up and away from. Instead, he begins to actively avoid her, which isn't hard because she's _almost never there._ Raphael sometimes wonders how anything gets _done_ , who enforces the rules while she's out, but then he catches some Vampires feeding off of a mundane on drugs and realizes that _nobody does._

It took a week for her to come back and meet him when he was new.

 

It takes three weeks before she calls him to her office, and four weeks for him to become her second in command. He later stumbled across the decapitated body of her old second, and promises himself that he will do _whatever it takes_ to survive her.

 

It takes four weeks for their 'business meetings' to take a more lustful turn. 

 

The first time Camille invites him to her bedroom, she doesn’t even try to hide her intentions. Her hands smooth over his shirt, toying with the collar of it as she whispers seductive things into his ear in between kisses to his neck. When he tries to squirm away, to tell her _no,_ the smoothing hands become painful as she tells him he doesn’t have the _right_ to tell her 'no', that she would love to feed him to the wolves or leave him in the sun. That she kept him because he was _pretty,_ and he should be _grateful_. He remembers the headless body he found a week ago, and the promise he'd made to himself. So he stops resisting, but he never says ‘yes’. 

 

It's fine, because it's not _rape_ when he doesn’t say ‘no’ either.

 

When she is done with him he is too weak to stand and too empty to cry. He has no _reason_ to. She smiles at him from her position on the bed as he mechanically pulls on his shirt that is little more than ribbons at this point. The mundane motions of it help though, and soon he is shuffling down the hallway. The other vampires avoid his eyes and don’t ask him about it. Raphael gets the impression that they _know,_ or can at least _guess,_ what just happened.

 

He doesn’t tell Magnus simply because he’s not sure that the other would care. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Years crawled by in what felt like centuries; Camille continued to order him into her room whenever she saw fit, and Raphael continued to avoid everyone and attend the meetings ordered by the Clave because _Camille_ certainly wasn’t going to do it, and the vampires needed what little representation they had. On those days he saw Magnus, but he avoided the Warlock's eyes. If he knew what Raphael had been doing with his ex, he would be disgusted. His guilt about the situation manifested in his numerous attempts to make relations between Warlocks and Vampires smoother. Raphael knew Magnus knew it was him, and that the other was grateful and wanted to say something, but Raphael continued to avoid him.

 

His life as a damned soul continued on, and after a while, he got used to avoiding sunlight and Magnus in equal measure. The warlock never came to the hotel (Camille was like Magnus repellent), and Raphael rarely left it.

 

It went on like that for years. 

 

Until Camille bites Valentine’s daughter’s friend.

 

The suddenly upcoming war meant more meetings with the Clave and, by extension, Magnus, who Raphael continued to avoid. It became much harder to avoid him, and his group of progressive Shadowhunters, when Camille left the drained mundane on the floor of the gold room where anyone could have found him. The first time the mundane had been bitten by her, Raphael was away from the hotel on business, giving him _plausible deniability_. Fortunately, he had not been in the hotel when she bit him this time either, so this was, _technically_ , not Raphael’s problem. He turned to leave, but flashes of bodies on the floor over the years, all drained of blood and _all Camille’s fault,_ made him stop. He considered the limp body for a second, before he stopped down and picked it up. For the first time in years, he left the hotel willingly for something other than business. He tried to convince himself it was out of fear of the Shadowhunters cracking down on them. He fails.

 

He arrives at the Institute, almost gets stabbed by infuriated and trigger-happy Shadowhunters, and gives Valentine's daughter, Clary, the choice that her friend, Simon, _wasn't_ givenbefore he had been nearly drained. That _he_  wasnt given all those years ago. Raphael steps back to let her decide, and tries not to be bitter. Things could be worse; At least Magnus isn't there.

 

There's a lot of crying, explaining, and soothing before anyone comes to a conclusion on what to do. When she finally decides, Raphael wants to scream at her that she made the _wrong choice_ , the _selfish choice_ , but he doesn’t. He simply nods and helps to dig the grave, feeling sick and distant. He can feel Camille’s eyes on him, and his neck aches fiercely where she almost ripped his throat out in her eagerness for his blood.

 

Her gaze burns, and Raphael works faster.

 

When she finally makes herself known to everyone by wrapping her cold body around his and whispering in his ear about her 'little caramel', threading her slim fingers through his hair and pulling his head to the side, he tries not to shake, tries to pretend that this is fine by him. 

 

From the look that the Shadowhunters share, he _completely_ fails.

 

Despite his discomfort, he tries to remain still. It isn’t until she ghosts her lips over his bared neck that he flinches away, trying to look focused on the task at hand, despite the only thing left to do being to wait for the fledgling to crawl out of the ground. Camille accepts the distance, but continues to stare at him. The silence is heavy, and the Shadowhunters' eyes flicker between him and Camille, who stares at him. This awkward stalemate goes on for almost three hours. Raphael directs his stare to the ground as the fledgling crawls out of it. It has the bonus of distracting everyone, and it gives him an excuse to get farther away from Camille. Especially since the fledgling  _books it_ almost immediately. He quickly excused himself and leaves to chase after him.

 

And he pays for it later.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as she _officially_ accepts Simon into the clan, Camille is gone again, and everyone breathes a little easier.

 

Raphael expects to have his break from socializing and doing things he doesn’t want to do; he expects, and hopes, to be left the fuck _alone_.

 

That hope lasts about as long as a vampire in the sun.

 

Simon is everywhere, all at once. There is no escaping his obscure pop-culture referencesthat he has for literally _everything_ and his loud laughter. Raphael won’t admit it to anyone, but his new favorite pastime is training the young vampire. This is, in part, because he finds great amusement in watching him run into walls because of his new and not-yet-perfected vampire speed. One day, when he carelessly admits he finds it funny while the other is laying on the floor, Simon compares it to loving funny pet videos. For the first time in a while, Raphael cracks a small, honest, smile.

 

 Things continue like this; movie nights (that the others are hesitant to attend) and laughter, none of the usual pressure in the air present.

 

But Camille eventually comes back, and the moment she does, she calls Raphael to her room. He goes, and he stays when she tells him to. He lets her sink her teeth into him, lets her undress him. Lets his mind wander to a better place.

 

Later, when Raphael is training Simon once again, he moves too slowly to dodge and Simon brings him to the floor, _hard_ , for the first time. The bites on his back flare up with pain, and Raphael’s gasp of pain mixes with and is hidden by Simon’s cheer of victory. “I’m on track to graduate the _not-a-shitty-vamp_ program!” he cheers, and Raphael is so confused and in so much pain that he just lays there on the floor while Simon does some kind of stupid looking victory dance around him. “You _ran into a wall yesterday_ , fledgling,” he reminds the cheering vampire from where he is on the floor, who looks sour at the reminder. “You _threw_ me into a wall yesterday,” he accuses and Raphael smiles crookedly, still in pain. “I did,” he admits, “but you also _ran into one_.”

 

Simon huffs out a laugh and grabs Raphael's shirt front to haul Raphael to his feet, seemingly eager to train now that he’s won against his teacher once. But his grip is too strong for the flimsy fabric of the shirt that Raphael is wearing, and Simon tears his shirt with his carelessness and lack of control. 

 

His laugh is cut short when Raphael hisses in alarmed pain as his shirt rips and reveals half of his scarred and freshly mangled torso. The torn fabric is quickly dropped from surprised fingers and Raphael sees the second that Simon sees the blood on his hands that the dark fabric had kept hidden. In response to the blood in his presence, Simon’s fangs drop. That's all it takes. His eyes are wide with shock for a second, and neither one of them moves. Raphael stares at the other’s fangs, and he _runs_.

 

He doesn't know why.

 

Later, when Camille has called him into her room again and left him, Simon openly stares at him with a sad and shocked look on his pale face. Eventually, the shock morphs into anger (Raphael briefly wonders if he screamed too loud) and Simon looks like he wants to say something,  but he never does. He never looks away, either. The same thing happens almost every time Camille uses him, and Raphael begins to avoid Simon, not liking the way the other stares like he can see the fresh wounds through his shirt.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two weeks after the last Camille incident ( she had left afterwards, and Raphael doesn't know where she, is or what she's doing, but it's a relief) and one week after the war with Valentine has been won, Raphael is invited to talk to the progressive Shadowhunters about what the vampires are willing to do next. It seems suspicious, but Simon has been staring at him for a while and Raphael just needs to be anywhere but the hotel. So he accepts the invitation, and he shows up at the Institute in the room that he had been in while they had debated over what to do with Simon's body. The memory isn’t pleasant, per se, but it's persistent, and it fills his mind while he waits.

 

Raphael has maybe been there for a few minutes before anyone comes for him. Then the door opens the Shadowhunters and Magnus Bane step through, and Raphael feels like falling apart a little because, going off of the others expression of blank fury, he knows _exactly_ what Raphael has been doing with Camille. Quickly looking away from Magnus, Raphael watches in disbelief as Simon,  who he came here to  _avoid,_  steps through and shuts the door behind him. Everything is silent for a while.

 

The progressive Shadowhunters immediately space out in a clear effort to both not intimidate him and guard the exits. He stares at each one of them, not blinking. Raphael isn't happy, but ever since death he finds comfort in the little things, like unsettling people with his staring, even if the Shadowhunters won't even meet his eyes. At least they look as uncomfortable as Raphael probably does. The blonde one, Jace, stays next to Clary, who Simon is hiding behind unsuccessfully. Raphael can feel himself latching on to the weaknesses of the group, and he  _desperately_ wants to ask about the incest scare, if only to distract them.

 

“This is an intervention,” Simon blurts out as he steps out from behind Clary, and going off of everyone else’s expressions, that is _not at all_ how they would have worded it. Raphael scowls at the group but doesn't make eye contact, “you called me here for a meeting about the night children’s future plans, not for whatever the _fuck this is_ ,” he hisses, glaring in Simon's direction. “We called for the leader, Camille,” they had _not_ , “how is she by the way?” Simon blabs, wringing his hands together. Raphael looks at him and raises an eyebrow. “Fledgling, you _live with her_ ,” he says slowly, hoping that the vampire would see how stupid the question was. “Yeah, but you seem to… spend more time with her? In a _personal_ way?” he tries, looking away to avoid Raphael’s eyes. “Like, I’ve _seen_ you doing the walk-of-shame, except you look hirt and I can smell blood and-” he doesn’t finish, instead doing some kind of floppy movement with his hand, but Raphael knows what he wants to say. People are staring at Simon, though whether it’s because of his appalling lack of social skills and tact or just the reality of what he’s saying, Raphael doesn’t know.

 

Frankly, it's none of their business. But Raphael has been so tired recently, of feeling Simon's eyes on him, of knowing that the other vampire has figured it out. There was no way he _hadn't._ But if they tried to do anything, if he ever told someone, it could get much, much worse for Raphael.  He wasn't sure it was worth the risk. Besides, what was he supposed to say?  _A beautiful woman likes to have sex with me but I don't want to,_ boo fucking hoo?

 

"I  _can’t_ say no. Not to her,” he admits quietly and against his better judgment, hoping that they would just _drop it._  Instead, Simon latches on, “but you’ve never said _yes_ ,” he stresses, looking determined. Magnus looks vaguely sick, and the shadowhunters look angry. Raphael hopes that they decide to just stab him. Anything to get him out of this conversation. “She- she _rapes_ you,” Simon continues quietly, saying the world like it’s the worst thing in the world. Any maybe it is, but- “I never say _no_ ,” Raphael repeats, turning his eyes away from the group around him in shame. He's _weak_ , _soft,_ so so so so _stupid_ -

 

"And if it _concerns_ you so much," he looks up and stares at the wall, speaking through gritted teeth, "why didn't you  _do anything?_ "

 

At his admission that he wished someone would _do_ something, anything, Isabelle looks absolutely  _murderous_ , and at some point Clary had grabbed Jace, and Magnus had grabbed Alec, like they had to ensure that they were still there, still safe. Raphael feels cold when he realizes that he was no longer on neutral ground, untouched by his own feelings. 

 

Instead of offering an answer to his question, Simon rushes forwards and tightly wraps him in a hug, his taller frame allowing him to rest his chin on Raphael's head. "Let us take care of this, _please_ ," he begs, and Raphael nearly sobs with the intense relief that Simon wanted to help him, despite everything he had done. This was forgiveness,  and he knew that he didn't deserve it. He turns to marble in the other's embrace, feeling too much and nothing at all in the same moment.

 

He knows that, technically, they have to have something on Camille to do anything to her (legally, that is), but just the thought of never feeling her on top of him again, never feeling her teeth on his neck, her breath in his ear, makes him want to cry.

 

So, he let's go. He slumps into Simon's arms and shakes so hard he's suprised he isn't falling apart. He accepts the coward's way out, carefully nodding his agreement into Simon's chest, and lets himself drift while they plan. Magnus keeps glancing at him, and Raphael knows that he needs to do _something_ , to _apologize_ , but he just-

 

He can't. Not right now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

While everyone else is gathering dirt on Camille (there's a lot of it when you have her ex on your side, apparently), Raphael and Simon stay with Magnus. Simon is, admittedly, mostly there for Raphael's comfort; he acts as a living buffer between Magnus and himself. The Warlock doesn't really leave his apartment, he just sends the Shadowhunters out to gather the evidence that he tells them to.

 

It's a bit awkward, because Raphael still hasn't so much as looked the Warlock in the eye, much less _apologized_ to him, but with Simon there it isn't too bad. Horribly awkward, yes, but not _bad_. But Simon can't be there all the time, not if he needs to keep Camille from finding out where Raphael is and what he's been doing. So he leaves with the promise to return within the week.

 

They, Raphael and Magnus, are three days in to this routine of Raphael avoiding him before Magnus successfully corners him in the kitchen while he's grabbing blood.

 

It doesn't help him feel less cornered when he realizes that the Warlock doesn't look as suprised to see him in the middle of the day as he should. This was probably planned, and Simon isn't here to help Raphael out of it this time.

 

"Raphael, cariño," he begins as he leans against the counter, looking somber and blocking the exit that he had been going for, and Raphael expects the worst, expects verbal _fire_ to spill the way it does when he speaks of Camille, "I'm so _sorry_ ," Magnus whispers, slowly reaching out to his frozen body. It honestly takes Raphael a moment to understand what the Warlock said. Magnus is _sorry_ , even though _he_ was the one who was _getting it on_ with his friend's ex girlfriend, even though _he_ was the one that Magnus probably regretted _saving in the first place all those years ago_. Part of him expects this to be some kind of trick, thinking that Magnus wouldn't touch him with a _ten-foot pole_ now.

 

The warlock proves him wrong seconds later, wrapping him in a tight hug and _swearing_ that he didn't know, and _he_ was sorry, and that he had _wondered_ why Raphael was avoiding him like the plague. "You probably thought that I knew, that I did it on _purpose_ ," he whispered, pulling Raphael impossibly closer. Raphael hadn't ever thought about it, honestly. He had been more concerned with clan matters than why Camille was doing what she was doing. Magnus keeps whispering hushed apologies for something he had no control over, until Raphael can't stand it anymore and stops him. 

 

"You looked so _angry_ with me, in the Institute," Raphael's voice breaks,  and he tries to hide by burying his face in the other's neck. He can feel his lips wobble, a left over mundane habit he never could manage to break. Magnus coos sadly and pulls back to look him in the eye, "I wasn't, Rapha, I promise I wasn't. I was angry that I couldn't see what she'd been doing to you, and when Simon stopped by-" Magbus has to stop, and he looks stricken and close to tears. "If you cry, you'll ruin your makeup, " Raphael reminds him quietly, and is awarded a small smile. The Warlock chokes on a sob as he mutters "waterproof".

 

"Then, if you cry, I will cry and get blood on your shirt."

 

The laugh Magnus let's out sounds wet, but it is a laugh either way and when they slowly pull away from each other, they remain close.

 

It feels fake, but Raphael offers his old friend a tentative smile.

 

As if he had been listening and waiting for the timid conversation to come to an end, Simon walks into the kitchen and makes a beeline for Raphael. He doesn't take him anywhere, just holds him. He catches Magnus' eye and smiles, and the warlock returns it before leaving the two of them alone in the kitchen. Simon shifts, rubbing his cheek on the top of Raphael's head while he rubs his back. In response, Raphael brings his limp arms up and grips the back of Simon's shirt, being careful not to tear it.

 

Everything is silent for a while, before Simon slowly lets go of everything but his hand and leads him to the bedroom he had been using. Raphael stamps down the feelings of panic, already feeling himself try to put distance between himself and the bed that wasn't his. As if reading his mind, Simon speaks very quietly, "We're just here to _sleep_ , Raphael, I promise," he sounds earnest and sad at the same time. He must've known what the older vampire had been thinking; his face must have displayed his fear. Raphael felt guilt wash over him; this was _Simon_ , who had only hurt him once (in the training room, but even that had been an accident). "Lo siento, I'm sorry, Simon," he muttered, shuffling where he stood and grasping as the other's hand. Simon looks surprised at the use of his actual name, but he seems to quickly get over it.

Simon smiles in forgiveness and lets go of Raphael before throwing himself on the bed, letting out a quiet 'oof' as he lands. Raphael watches him before Simon raises an eyebrow and pats the bed beside him. Taking the gesture for the offer that it was, he slowly climbs on to the bed and just sits on his knees, unsure of what to do next. Reaching out slow enough that Raphael could get away if he wanted, Simon grabs his hand and tugs him down until they are side by side on the too-large bed. They don't touch. He isn't sure what to do next, what to _say_ , but Simon doesn't seem to mind. They lay there in comfortable silence until the sun is in the middle of the sky, and Isabelle opens the door.

 

"Sorry to interrupt," she says, addressing Simon, before turning to Raphael and grinning viciously, looking every bit of the hunter that she is, "we fucking _got_ her." 

 

Simon cheers, sitting up and looking down at Raphael, who looks at Isabelle with clear shock on his face. Camille was _gone_ , and this time she wasn't coming back for him. She would never sink her teeth into him, or undress him-

 

The smile Simon gives him is like the sun: blinding and warm and so wonderful that it almost hurts. Raphael feels like the warmth in that smile could burn him, the same way the real sun would. 

 

Isabelle says something about leaving the 'two lovebirds alone' as she quickly ducks back out, softly shutting the door behind her.

 

As soon as she leaves, Raphael rolls over into Simon's open arms and just lays there, soaking in the comfort that the skin contact brings and the sheer relief of being free. He falls asleep there, and wakes up hours later with Simon still wrapped around him.

 

For the first time in a while, Raphael doesn't see himself as damned.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Your kudos and comments fuel me!


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